


Recovery

by blkkskknhed



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Confusion, Jealousy, Kisses, Love, Multi, PTSD, Romance, Sam is mother hen, Steve POV, Thor is wise, Unrequited, unhappy Steve
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-08
Updated: 2014-11-08
Packaged: 2018-02-24 15:32:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,248
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2586623
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blkkskknhed/pseuds/blkkskknhed
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It starts with a kiss, the kind of kiss that Steve has been aching for. The moon shines, the stars twinkle and his heart swells and swells until he struggles for breath and pulls away, ducking his head shyly and biting his swollen lips gently. </p><p>(And <em>God</em>, he thinks, please let this be real, please.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Recovery

It starts with a kiss, the kind of kiss that Steve has been aching for. The moon shines, the stars twinkle and his heart swells and swells until he struggles for breath and pulls away, ducking his head shyly and biting his swollen lips gently. 

(And _God_ , he thinks, please let this be real, please.)

Bucky chuckles deeply, that delicious sound that makes Steve’s stomach flip so fucking hard.

(He’d been pleading aloud.)

“I’m drunk, Stevie.” He mutters, resting his forehead against his shoulder. 

He laughs again and wraps his arms around Steve’s waist. Steve can feel his smile against his neck as he noses his way through Bucky’s hair. He’s warm and soft and _real_ and he finds it hard to accept that Bucky is here because it feels like only yesterday he watched him fall from that train.

(Too much, it’s too much.)

“You smell like…” And Steve struggles to find the words that capture that smell that he associates with _home_ but Bucky understands; he always does.

Steve feels safe. He feels like this is the moment he was meant to live for; now, in the middle of an abandoned warehouse in Russia. 

(And _this_ , this was worth dying for.)

“We should get back…your Avengers will wonder where we are.”

He’s right, Steve knows he is but he wants to stay like this forever.

(Why can’t he have a forever? Where’s his happy ending?)

“Okay.” Is all he manages because there are other words that are trying to slip out of his mouth, words that he wished he had said seventy years ago.

(But now isn’t the time. Not while he’s drunk.)

Bucky smiles warmly and slips his metal hand into Steve’s human one.

“I missed you, pal.”

“Missed you too.” Steve says softly, too softly and for a brief moment he swears he can see the fog lift in Bucky’s eyes because there was too much behind those words and he should know better.

He’s still for a moment, his eyes searching Steve’s and he’s silently urging him to speak.

( _To say it_ ).

“Barnes! Rogers! Come on, Stark’s got Shwarma from God-knows-where!” Comes Sam’s booming voice from outside the warehouse

And Bucky’s running away. And Steve is desperate. So he follows.

(Til the end of the line, and all that.)

 

.

 

_Natalia_

He calls her Natalia and that hurts Steve for reasons he doesn’t want to investigate. 

She’s beautiful and dangerous and Steve has always admired her from afar, always wondered _what if_. She’s always seemed untouchable and he never tried. Bucky tries though and he’s making her laugh in a way that makes Steve want to scream.

(He doesn’t though.)

She talks to him in Russian and when she smiles, she beams and Bucky is so enchanted and Steve feels sick.

(And jealous.)

“He never stops talking about you.” Natasha smirks, her eyes falling on Steve knowingly. “All we ever hear is _Bucky, Bucky, Bucky_.”

Steve flushes and Bucky offers her a handsome, lopsided grin.

“I could listen to you say my name all night, doll.”

And it’s a line, one of Bucky’s better ones, and she smiles so widely Steve thinks her cheeks are going to crack.

“You’re going to need to update your pick-up lines, Sergeant Barnes, _doll_ is no longer an acceptable term of endearment.” 

And Steve has to look away, because it hurts to watch the way he smiles at her.

(And he kissed those lips, he tasted him.)

“Stop poutin’, Stevie, you look like you just kissed a wet fish!” Bucky exclaims causing him to jolt out of his stupor.

Steve glances at him and tries and force a smile. Natasha laughs and shakes her head at him.

“He looked like that after I kissed him, too.” She mocks, her eyes twinkling playfully.

Bucky raises his eyebrows at this and looks between them both curiously.

“Are you guys…?”

“No.” Natasha laughs. “I am definitely unattached.”

Bucky smirks.

“Likewise.”

Steve ducks his head and forces himself to stare at the newspaper on the table until he can catch his breath.

(It hurts. It hurts. It hurts.)

 

.

 

 

The longer he stays with the Avengers, the more Steve realizes how incredibly lonely he is. He begins to miss his own apartment in Brooklyn, nestled away from all the hubbub and drama of being a superhero.

(He’s no hero. He’s a coward).

It is movie night and he is on the sofa, tucked away between Bucky and Sam. It’s just the three of them, the rest of the team going about their business around the tower.

“Cheetos or Doritos?” Sam suddenly demands, elbowing his toned stomach with his incredibly strong elbow.

Steve jumps in surprise before shrugging.

“Whatever you want, I’m not really hungry.”

And that’s a lie; Steve is _always_ hungry. Sam can see right through the lie but clearly decides not to analyse it. Instead he turns to Bucky and asks him what he wants.

(And how Steve wishes Bucky would say that he wants _him_ )

“Cheetos.” Bucky declares from Steve’s other side. 

He’s pressed up against the side of the sofa, his flexible body folded up neatly. His head is resting on Steve’s shoulder and he’s leaning into Bucky as much as he possibly can because it’s _Bucky_ and there will never be a moment where Steve doesn’t want to feel his warmth tucked by his side.

“Yeah. Cheetos.” Steve agrees.

Sam suppresses an eye-roll and climbs off of the sofa. Once he’s gone, Steve stretches out and moans loudly, relieving the tension in his back from being squashed in between two grown men.

“Amazing.” Bucky breathes and Steve nods, relaxing his body once again.

“Yeah.” He mutters, glancing over his shoulder out towards the night sky seen clearly through their patio. “The view up here is really somethin’.”

Bucky laughs loudly and shakes his head.

“I meant you, pal.” He teases, resting his chin on Steve’s shoulder.

Steve blushes and tries to ignore his fluttering heartbeat.

(He surely knows what he does to Steve? He must know. Subtlety isn’t exactly one of his biggest strengths.)

Bucky wriggles around in his seat until he has managed to climb across Steve’s lap, their crotches dangerously close and he’s smiling that brilliant fucking smile of his and Steve wants to lick his teeth and suck his tongue.

(He wants to fuck him until he sees stars, until he _screams_ for it.)

“I missed your eyes, Bucky.” Steve whispers shyly.

His smile softens and he leans closer until their noses are nearly touching.

“I wanna kiss you. Can I kiss you?” he whispers.

Steve nods slowly, not quite believing his ears. Bucky moves in and presses their lips together and Steve feels like Bucky is gonna be the death of him. Steve pushes into the kiss hungrily, embarrassingly needy sounds escaping from his mouth as Bucky moves his crotch closer and begins to grind down on him, his fingers entangled through Steve’s hair. He pulls away and looks as though he is about to say something but whatever it is dies on his lips when they both hear Sam approaching. He rolls off of Steve’s lap and returns to his place by his side, his brows furrowed slightly. He whips out his phone and begins to tap furiously across the screen. 

(And he’s texting _her_ and that hurts Steve more than he could ever say.)

Sam looks between them before shrugging and passing them a bucket of popcorn each.

“We gonna watch a movie or…?” he asks uncertainly and Steve wonders what it is his friend must see between them.

“Yeah. Yeah we are, right, Buck?”

And he doesn’t reply, just stares at the glowing screen of his phone, leaving Steve to drown in a sea of confusion.

(He must remember. He must have remembered what they were and who they were.)

 

.

 

 

The Avengers have drunk too much. Steve _knows_ this. They are laughing too loudly and spilling drinks across the table and onto the floor. Steve can’t get drunk, not with his super-serum so he simply down whatever drinks are left and hopes that maybe one of them will give him the buzz he’s looking for.

(Because Bucky is drunk and his eyes are hooded and he’s looking at him with _hunger_ in his eyes.)

They’re in the living room. Tony is in the middle of some kind of rambling speech that appears to have Sam in stitches and Bruce entranced. Natasha is painting Clint’s nails and Thor is watching on bemusedly, his beard soaked from the beer he keeps spilling down his front. Bucky is sitting opposite Steve and he’s watching him intently.

(And Steve wants to impress him, wants to make him forget about Natasha because he’s carding his fingers through her hair absentmindedly and Steve wonders if he remembers that _he_ used to be the one curled against his side.)

“Rooftop.” Steve blurts out, flushing only slightly.

Bucky regards him warmly, a small smile spreading across his lips.

“Huh?” he says slowly and he’s been drinking too but he’s nowhere as intoxicated as the others.

“Let’s go to the rooftop!” Steve announces, jumping to his feet eagerly.

(Because this is it; this is their moment.)

Bucky chuckles and drains his drink.

“Lead the way, pal!” he declares lazily as he gets to his feet in one fluid, languid movement.

Natasha looks a little put out at the loss of Bucky’s warmth but she continues painting Clint’s nails, her sharp little tongue placed between her teeth as she concentrates. Tony stops talking and looks between Bucky and Steve with a questioning look.

“Rooftop.” Bucky explains with a wide, beaming smile.

Sam frowns and gives Steve a look but he ignores it, pretends he doesn’t see the way the team are watching them. They slip out of the room and race each other up the stairs. Steve is faster but Bucky fights dirty and constantly tries to tackle Steve to the ground as they make their way up. It’s cool outside and when the fresh air hits them both, Steve closes his eyes and savours it.

“I love it up here.” He whispers. “It reminds me of when we used to climb the fire escape in Brooklyn and camp out beneath the stars. Remember that, Buck?” 

Bucky nods and Steve throws himself onto the ground in order to lean against the glass wall behind them.

(Bucky is pensive and that makes Steve’s stomach churn in the worst way.)

Bucky settles down beside him after a moment and curls himself into his side.

“Great grub tonight, hm? Those guys sure can cook.” he mumbles, his chin resting on his shoulder.

Steve smiles, closes his eyes and nod slowly.

“Mmm. They love you, you know.” Steve mutters.

( _Steve_ loves him.)

Bucky chuckles and Steve can feel him shake his head.

“If it wasn’t for you, Stevie, I wouldn’t have nobody. You’re _my_ superhero.”

(And he’s teasing, of course he is, but Steve still blushes and wants to tell Bucky that he is no hero; that he a coward, afraid of his own shadow.)

“I want to kiss you.” Bucky decides, straightening up and tilting his head at Steve.

Steve’s heart is racing but he manages to shake his head.

“No. You’re drunk.” He protests softly.

(Steve can’t process all these meaningless kisses. He can’t be _that_ guy. The one who stores all of the seemingly perfect kisses into a little treasure chest of memories only to discover that it was all one-sided.)

“You kissed me when I was drunk before.” Bucky points out with a smile, climbing onto Steve’s lap.

“Why do you keep kissing me?” Steve demands and he thinks he can taste his heartbeat on his tongue.

(He feels braver than usual, feels like he could tell Bucky everything he has forgotten if he would just give him the chance.)

Bucky shrugs.

“It feels nice, I guess.”

Steve lets his head roll back until it’s touching the cool glass behind him and Bucky leans in until his mouth is hovering over Steve’s insistently.

“I thought you liked fooling around?” he urges softly, his breath hot.

Steve finds himself nodding without his permission.

“Love it.” He breathes and Bucky leaves out a soft moan before crashing his mouth against Steve’s hungrily.

And suddenly, it’s different. This feels urgent. It feels urgent when Bucky forces his tongue into Steve’s mouth and invades his space as his hands find their way under Steve’s shirt and Steve is usually so careful about his strength but when Bucky starts to rub his stomach, Steve just presses himself against him as hard as he can. Steve slides his hands up Bucky’s taut thighs and kisses Bucky back as best he can because maybe, _maybe_ he can make him forget about Natasha, just for a few minutes, maybe even long enough for him to _remember_.

“Rogers?”

The sound of Sam’s voice coming up the stairs startles them both. Bucky rolls off of Steve and smooths down the front of his top with a small smirk. Steve can’t help but notice the hardened lump in Bucky’s trousers and he flushes when his friend catches him looking.

“It’s been a while.” He says by way of explanation and Steve can feel his own cock twitching excitedly.

( _How_ long has it been? Because Steve has waited seventy years for him.)

Sam arrives before Steve gets a chance to reply and when he turns the corner and comes across them, he takes one look at Steve and purses his lips.

“Nat wants you, Barnes.” Sam announces and Bucky gets to his feet with an exaggerated sigh.

“See you guys downstairs.” He mutters before slipping out the door.

Sam raises his eyebrows as he takes in Steve’s flushes cheeks and ruffled hair.

“He kissed me again.” Steve whispers, avoiding Sam’s disapproving gaze.

“No shit.” He sighs, hunkering down beside him and watching him carefully.

“He still doesn’t remember.” 

(And the words almost catch in his throat in a way that is more painful than any bullet.)

“Don’t go there, Steve.” He warns softly. “He’s not yours anymore.”

“I love him.” Steve says simply.

Sam looks at him sadly.

“I know.”

 

.

 

 

They think it was a suicide attempt. Steve maintains that it was an accident.

(It was a mixture of both. Steve didn’t want to die but he didn’t really want to live either.)

He’s not looking to hurt himself. He just wants to hit that rush, to feel that buzz of adrenaline that hits him like liquid gold time after time again. Instead he feels a strangled, panicked feeling in the back of his throat before everything goes black.

(And peaceful. It’s oh-so-peaceful and he wonders if he could sleep for another seventy years and wake in a world where Bucky remembers.)

When he wakes up he’s hooked up to some machines in the S.H.I.E.L.D infirmary and Sam is asleep in a plastic chair beside him. Everything hurts and even sitting up makes Steve wince

“You okay, Cap?”

Steve turns his head to the left and sees Tony watching him unsurely. He nods slowly and clears his throat.

“What happened?” He asks, his voice rough.

Tony shrugs and offers him a lop-sided smile.

“Dunno. We were kind of hoping you would tell us.”

(Steve feels like the worlds biggest dick. It was an _accident_.)

He tells Tony this.

“You sure?” He asks so softly that Steve nearly doesn’t hear him.

“Yes!” He snaps vehemently.

“’Cause you were in a pretty bad way.”

Steve frowns and looks at Tony incredulously.

“What do you mean?” He urges.

Tony raises an eyebrow and folds his arms across his chest.

“You don’t remember?”

Steve shakes his head quickly.

(Nothing. Everything’s blank.)

Tony’s eyes widen before he reaches across and takes Steve’s hand in his.

“I’m gonna leave Sam cover this one. You’ll thank me for it later.”

 

.

 

Turns out Captain America isn’t as brave or as selfless as everyone seems to think. That doesn’t surprise Steve. 

(He’s just surprised he begged Bucky to let him die. He’d always thought he wanted to live.)

 

.

 

Fury doesn’t let Steve on anymore solo missions. He’s given a ‘partner’ and that partner just so happens to be Bucky.

(He swore it was random selection but Bruce tells Steve that Bucky _begged_.)

So they partner up and it’s just like old times, back in the day when Sergeant Barnes was Captain America’s right-hand man and they can all almost get past the fact that Steve tried to kill himself. Steve comes to life again and he feels like maybe they are better off with the way things are until Bucky starts making out with him after a particularly gruelling mission and Steve can just think _fuck_.

(Because this is a form of suicide; this will kill him before anything else.)

He’s all hands and inappropriate moaning and Steve’s fucking grinding against him like some hormone-crazed teen and Bucky’s grinding back and panting like he’s just ran a marathon and then they both come and Steve knows, he knows that they’ve crossed some line in the rekindling of friendship handbook.

(Because this can’t be right. This cannot be how they both spend their future together._

It’s too late though and it doesn’t take Bucky too long to freak out.

(5…4…3…2…)

“ _Fuck_ , Steve…I gotta go.” He mutters before turning on his heel and making his way to the boardroom to debrief.

(Where Natasha would be waiting, no doubt, eyes full of want and longing as she eyes Bucky hungrily.)

It should hurt more. It _does_ hurt. It’s fucking agony but Steve realizes with a jolt that he was expecting it. He _knew_ he would run away.

(Because he doesn’t remember. Because he has yet to recall the fact that they were in a fucking relationship and that Steve fucking loved him before.)

He pushes himself off the wall and makes his way to the boardroom. He marches past Hill who was trying to chastise him for being late and steps inside.

“Barnes is giving on debrief today.” Natasha says without looking up from her notebook. 

She is seated at Bucky’s right hand side and they’re sitting closer than Steve likes. Bucky seems completely unfazed by Steve’s arrival and continues the regalement of his tale.

“I love you.” Steve blurts out, cutting across his friend desperately. “I love you and you love me.”

There is an odd spluttering sound from Fury but besides that all is silent. Natasha straightens up in her seat and looks between them both uncertainly as she awaits Bucky’s response. Bucky’s eyes widen only slightly before he shrugs and nods.

“Sure I do. You’re my best pal.”

Steve lets out a low, frustrated growl and shakes his head determinedly.

“No, Buck. You’re _in_ love with me. We were…do you not remember the night before the train?”

(And he knows he sounds pathetic but he can’t live like this anymore.)

Fury’s good eye widen comically and Natasha looks as though something has just dawned on her. Bucky just furrows his brows and shakes his head slowly. 

“No? Should I?”

And he says it so casually that it makes Steve’s chest ache. He wants to say more, wants to explain everything but Sam’s hand is on his shoulder now and steering him towards the door. He feels all the eyes of the boardroom on him as he makes his way out the door and when he steps into the hallway he lets out a breath he hadn’t realized he had been holding.

“Sam…I…”

“Time, buddy. He needs time.”

 

.

 

Steve finds out the next day that whatever was going on between Bucky and Natasha is now strictly platonic.

(He doesn’t try and pretend that Bucky ended it because he remembered. He knows from the look on Natasha’s face that it was her.)

He’s tempted to approach Bucky and corner him until he remembers but instead he keeps his distance and lounges around the Tower drinking beers with Thor.

“I loved another who did not return it once, soldier Steven.” Thor shares after his eighth can of Bud. “It was not easy but I soon learned to seek love elsewhere.”

“He still loves me.” Steve mutters around the top of his bottle. “He just doesn’t remember that.”

“Or perhaps he does but no longer feels the same? Time changes all things.” He decides wisely.

(And _fuck_ , Steve hopes Thor is wrong.)

“He’d tell me.” Steve insists. “He’s my best friend; he wouldn’t leave me in the dark.”

“Sometimes it is better to be in the dark and not knowing.” Thor chuckles sadly. “It hurts us less.”

 

.

 

Steve doesn’t want to be left in the dark. He has been the dark for the better part of seventy years. He was wants to be brought forward into the light and loved the way he was before, before war came and changed his life forever.

 

.

 

“I can’t remember.” Bucky suddenly declares one evening.

They are in the back of a car being driven to their next target. Natasha and Clint are sitting opposite them and Sam is in the front, driving. The car veers only slightly after Bucky’s outburst and Steve can see Sam glancing back at them anxiously.

“I know you want me to remember, Stevie, but I _can’t_. I remember the dames and yeah, I can remember kissing you pal, but there’s nothin’ else there.” He explains desperately, his blue eyes wide and pleading.

Steve swallows hard and ignores the heartbeat kicking against his ribs.

“Then why did you keep kissing me? After. When you came back.” he demands quietly.

Natasha looks hurt and Steve hates the little shiver of pleasure that rushes down his spine at this. Bucky looks lost as he searches for his answer.

“Because…because it felt good? Because something told me that we used to do that?” he offers helplessly.

“How come you can remember kissing me but not _loving_ me?” 

(And oh, God, is that broken thing his voice?)

Clint looks distinctly uncomfortable and the face he gives Steve is a pleading one but he can’t stop, not now, not when Bucky is _finally_ talking to him properly.

“I do love you.” Bucky says softly. “I’m just…I don’t think I’m _in_ love with you.”

Steve’s chest tightens because Bucky’s eyes are clear. He’s not confused. He’s being open and honest and Steve should be _happy_ but he feels as if he’s drowning.

“Stop the car.” He orders quietly.

Sam fully turns in his seat and stares at Steve like he’s crazy.

“Cap-”

“Stop. The. Car.”

He does. It stops and Steve practically kicks down the door. Once he’s outside, he runs and doesn’t stop until he comes to a bridge. He is faintly aware of the cars around him, of someone calling his name. He makes it to the edge of the bridge and looks down at the blue waters beneath him.

(Why did the Soldier save him if he didn’t remember who they were?)

“I’m sorry.”

Steve doesn’t turn. He just continues to watch the river below them, ignoring the tears burning in his eyes.

“I thought I was being given a second chance.” He whispers.

A cool, metal hand comes to rest on the small of his back.

“There is no such thing as second chances, Stevie. We just…live and learn how to move on.”

(Move on. Move on. Move on.)

“That night…we slept together and you promised me…you _promised_ that you’d be my forever.” 

His voice is breathless and broken and Steve hates what he has become. Bucky clears his throat and steps closer, pressing a sweet kiss to the curve of his shoulder.

“Remember that night in Brooklyn when you got really, really drunk and we promised each other that we’d be best friends forever?” Bucky urges. “I’m still your forever, punk, just maybe not in the way you’d hoped.”

 

.

 

Steve stares at the river until he can breathe again. He’s tucked under Bucky’s arm and when he turns his head, he offers his friend the ghost of a smile.

“I was asking for too much.” He decides.

Bucky shrugs. 

“You can always ask me anything.” He mutters.

Steve exhales shakily and lets his eyes drift closed as he rests his head against Bucky’s strong shoulder.

“My head is pretty much broken. The war was seventy years ago but it feels like it was just a few months back that I was drinking in a bar with my arms wrapped around you.” He breathes.

Bucky’s mouth ghosts over his cheek and he presses a chaste kiss to the corner of Steve’s mouth.

“Sometimes kissing you is the only thing that makes sense in my head.” He whispers, his breath hot against Steve’s lips. “Can we…can we do that without…without expecting too much of each other?”

And there is so much hope in Bucky’s voice that Steve can’t bring himself to say no.

(Because he may not remember but he must _want_.)

“Yeah…let’s just…let’s do that.”

 

.

 

It ends with a kiss. The kind of kiss that brings them both back to a better time, a time where they both knew who they were and what they were supposed to do. It grounds them and brings them closer and when Steve pulls away he smiles and Bucky smiles back and suddenly, living doesn’t seem too hard anymore.

**Author's Note:**

> As usual, I dont even know what this is, so let me know what you think!!!


End file.
